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I'll try and keep this short
(I'm glad it's not long!)

Firstly, thanks for providing this service. You probably don't know how much
it means to people. I'll try and keep this short, but please excuse me if it gets a bit long ! Also, if you want to put it on the site for others to learn from, please feel free.

I joined an Internet chat site and met A. We were chatting for six weeks and got on famously so met. For me it was like meeting me - someone who I thought was passionate about life, loving, etc. Anyway we arranged to meet up again but I was so excited at seeing him, I drove 200 miles in the middle of the night and let myself in with a key he'd left for me. We did make love that night and in the morning, because we'd been honest with each other right from the start, he told me that he was a recovering alcoholic (Hadn't drank in four years - but attending AA) and had been sexually abused when he was 15 by two friends of his Mum. I took this in my stride - we've all been through stuff that has shaped us into being the people we are - and he is such a warm, lovely and very attractive man. He has actually drank since we've been seeing each other, although it's just sharing a bottle of wine, so he said that it's "different" because he's not drinking on his own

Right from the start he said that he didn't want anything "heavy" as two months previous he had split up with a fellow alcoholic (I'm not, by the way) and was quite cynical about women - saying that all alcoholic women were dependent and demanding. I said that I wanted to build a relationship with him and take it easy and get to know each other before contemplating anything serious.

We saw each other for three months and every time I saw him my heart leapt but there was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind telling me that this man was not going to fall in love with me. From previous relationships I realise that they go through a few stages - lust, infatuation then a calming down period. Because A was on Prozac, the sexual side wasn't very dynamic - sometimes he would deflate during sex (which didn't do much for my self-esteem). This I could handle and he said that he bring his medication down with the help of his doctor - which I thought was lovely of him. I did think it was strange that he wasn't suffering from depression but that he was on a double dose of Prozec - however, I'm not a doctor so don't know all the reasons why this drug is administered.

We talked about the future - he wanted to come and live with me and we made
steps to find him a job down here. He said that he was so happy with me.

We would call each other four or five times a day and tell each other how much we loved and adored each other, but his behavior didn't match the love that he was telling me he felt. In bed, he would peck me on the cheek before turning his back to me (he said that Prozac affected libido), we never really kissed passionately (I wanted to, but he didn't), never held hands or put his arm round me (ditto) and I put this down to him not being a very affectionate person (although I think he is). It was as if he had all these barriers around him. In every other way, on the non-sexual side, he made me feel great. He'd paint me pictures, call me, be very thoughtful, but where was the passion?

He also told me that he had never met anyone like me before and that I was so special to him and that he couldn't wait to see me - we were very alike - a bit mad, love life, get on well with everyone.

Last Sunday I said that I didn't think I could go on with not feeling that he was in love with me. He told me honestly that he wasn't in love with me, but adored and loved me and couldn't imagine me not in his life. He also said that he would love to ask me to wait around for him for the next six months to see if he did fall in love, because he thought that it might happen, but couldn't ask that of me, just in case. We were supposed to be seeing each other this weekend but he said that he doesn't want me to come up as he wants to miss me - what's that all about?

I don't really don't know what to do! I absolutely adore this man and would love to be a part of his life forever, but I want the passion, the intimacy and not have to fight for his love - a love you feel for that someone special i.e. maybe your future husband. I ache to have him here but wonder whether to be around him and hope that he will fall in love, or just leave him be. Whenever I hear him on the phone (we still talk on the phone and tell each other we're thinking of each other) I feel like crying as I think how perfect everything would be if he would just fall in love with me, as we have everything to offer each other. What shall I do?

I'd appreciate your advice on this.

Many thanks

S.

 

Dear S.

I'll be very honest with you, get yourself another interest, you cannot wait around or make someone fall in love with you when they just can't fall in love with you.

That does not mean your ugly, unattractive or anything like that it just means they are not the one for you. You have been hurt and probably embarrassed, but hey we all have , we've all made mistakes and believe it or not no matter how horrible, and upsetting it is at the time we all move on. and usually to something or someone better!!

I would suggest you keep this man as a friend and learn from you experience with him. One VERY SERIOUS point for you to bear in mind is never ever, ever meet someone after you've only met the on the net or by writing to them for a short period of time, its not really safe, you have been very lucky! try not to make the same mistake again. Next time you may meet someone who could be either violent or worse, I hope this has made you think twice about doing this again!!!

If you still have strong feelings for this man, try to keep them under control it can be done, just occupy yourself with a hobby or something to ease your mind and take your mind off this man.

If he's MEANT TO BE then who knows you could meet him in very different circumstances in the future and have a proper relationship with him, but if you want to be happy then make a break you can't hold on to the fact that you can make him fall in love with you it doesn't happen. And your life will be unhappy, so make yourself happy and find someone who does love you.

Regards

Caroline